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“Edward, you LEECH!”

“You’re a stinking DOG, Jacob!”

Then the two fell upon each other, snarling and biting, ripping at each others’ clothes, then flesh.  Jacob was the first to clutch Edward’s penis and slide it into his mouth, chomping down.  Edward followed suit, grasping Jacob’s—“


I tossed the manuscript on my desk before I tossed my cookies.  This was hopeless.  This was also the best work I’d received yet for the newspaper writing contest.  I rubbed my eyes, trying to think up yet another new, polite way to say you so utterly suck.

“So?  What do you think?”

I looked up at the writer responsible for this masterpiece.  Mrs. Muldoon was a deacon in our church, and had fallen inexplicably hard for Ms.Meyer’s vampire wiles.  I was as mystified as anyone, I suppose.

“Mrs. Muldoon—“

“Grace.”

“Grace.  It’s… um, kind of… intense?”

She nodded vigorously.  “Yes!  You can see by chapter three they’ve totally gotten over that Bella girl and are well on their way to Ohio so they can get married.”

She’d fixated on gay rights, specifically gay marriage ever since Tony, her older boy, had come out.  It was a fine thing to support one’s children, but this was the oddest outlet by far she’d utilized.

“Mrs. Muldoon—“

“Grace.”

“Grace.  It goes on for…” I flipped pages of her manuscript.  “Six?  Six pages.  This one sex scene.”

“Oh, it’s not pornography, Mr. Taylor.  It’s pivotal to the story.  They’re trying to kill each other, you see.”

“By fellating each other for six pages?”

“They’re supernatural creatures!  Of course they have stamina.  They have to suck the venom out of their veins, you see.”

“And then they fall in love and decide to get married.  In Ohio.”

She sensed my skepticism, her smile faltering.  “Well, it’s a complicated relationship.”

“I can see that.”  I tried a different deterrent.  “Um, you do realize it’s a creative writing contest?  In a public newspaper?  The Gazette’s read by over twenty thousand of your fellow townspeople.  And this is… very… explicit.”

“Mr. Taylor.  My message requires a certain amount of—“

“And it’s very, very long.  214 pages is well beyond the scope of—“

“I’d be pleased if you serialized it.  A chapter a week until it’s complete.”

I had to admire her calm determination.  I sighed, blew out my cheeks.  This really was the best we’d gotten, and the contest was officially over, and I had an entirely blank Features section holding up the Gazette’s presses, and it would be soooo easy to…

“You know what, Grace?  I’m running it.  Chapter one in tomorrow’s Gazette.  Congratulations for winning the contest.”

Her beaming face almost made up for my imagined meeting with the Gazette editorial board tomorrow.  Well, this’ll teach ‘em to fuck with the Christmas bonuses around here.  I picked up the winning contest entry again, flipped it open to a random page.

A serpentine length of Edward’s vampire tool coiled around Jacob’s—

Oh sweet jumpin Jesus in a sack race.  This was gonna be good.
I swear. I can lay off the Meyer. I can be good. Honest.

/jonesing
Add a Comment:
 
:iconangelcasper:
AngelCasper Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Wtf!? LMFAO
Reply
:icongingatokkyu:
GingaTokkyu Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2010  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
*laugh and then explode*
Reply
:iconperidot-magelette:
peridot-magelette Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2010
*giggle* *sigh*
Reply
:iconralfmaximus:
RalfMaximus Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for the giggles. :)
Reply
:iconperidot-magelette:
peridot-magelette Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2010
thank yOU!
Reply
:iconcometthemicroraptor:
CometTheMicroraptor Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2009
AUTO FAVE. 8D
Reply
:iconralfmaximus:
RalfMaximus Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Thankee. :)
Reply
:iconfortheloveofmusic13:
fortheloveofmusic13 Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2009
Oh dear Godtopus, what have you done Ralf? Now the poor Twilight fans will be blinded forever and ever. (insert evil smirk)

Not that I care about them, they've been to long rabid off the series. They scare me. We need people like you.
Reply
:iconralfmaximus:
RalfMaximus Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Are you kidding? I love Twilight fans.
Reply
:iconfortheloveofmusic13:
fortheloveofmusic13 Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2009
And so you taunt them I see.
Reply
:iconralfmaximus:
RalfMaximus Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
But of course.

I also taunt Star Trek fans, despite my being a rabid one of those.
Reply
:iconfortheloveofmusic13:
fortheloveofmusic13 Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2009
Tease.
Reply
:iconralfmaximus:
RalfMaximus Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Are you complaining?
Reply
:iconfortheloveofmusic13:
fortheloveofmusic13 Featured By Owner Oct 8, 2009
Of course not.
Reply
:iconralfmaximus:
RalfMaximus Featured By Owner Oct 8, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Good answer. :)
Reply
:iconbarbecuediguana:
BarbecuedIguana Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2009
Damn man, you're on a rampage.
The only thing I'd do for it is throw in a bit about the vampires being all golden and sparkly - or has that joke already gotten too old.
Strangely it reminds me of Bloom County.
Reply
:iconralfmaximus:
RalfMaximus Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
RAMPAGE!

/SmashTV

Thankee. Though the Bloom County reference escapes me... just the overall surreal juxtaposition of normal americana with vampire/homo/erectus sex?
Reply
:iconbarbecuediguana:
BarbecuedIguana Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2009
Bloom County was simply one of the greatest newspaper cartoons ever scribbled. Here, take a look....
[link]
Reply
:iconralfmaximus:
RalfMaximus Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Oh! All I could think of was Opus and Bill. I'd completely forgotten the newspaper angle. For some reason I'd gotten those memories tangled up with Shoe -- that newspaper thing with the birds.

Thanks for rebooting mah memries.
Reply
:iconsadistic-but-sweet:
Sadistic-but-Sweet Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
:gigglesnort: I have to quit waiting so long to check my Deviations. This is gold.

Scary thing is, I know some Ed/Jacob fangirls out there who I could picture doing something like this *shudders*

(And there's no need to lay off to Meyers. She should've seen it coming when she first published this and every female in the US and her mom and boyfriend started reading it.)
Reply
:iconralfmaximus:
RalfMaximus Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
> Scary thing is, I know some Ed/Jacob fangirls
> out there who I could picture doing something
> like this *shudders*

Secret admission: I was inspired by some dA fanfic I stumbled upon that snuck up on this very theme. Clearly, the author (whose identity shall remain secret because I'm not THAT evil) reallllly wanted to write some steaming hott homoerotic vampire/wolf trainwreck fiction but hadn't quite worked up the nerve. Or maybe, was too busy masturbating to finish it.

The result was a confusing mashup of frustrated signals; a perfect metaphor for what's going on inside the writer's fevered brain, no doubt.

Anyway, I saw, I read, I cringed, and... this popped out.
Reply
:iconsadistic-but-sweet:
Sadistic-but-Sweet Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, the horror. This is why I avoid Twilight fanfiction. I'm so sorry *pats* At least it gave the world this, so some non-Twilight fans could get a good laugh.
Reply
:iconcihge:
cihge Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2009
Highest of praise to you, sir. DO NOT lay of Meyer, please. :D Everyone hates her - even those claiming she's a person too, and not sub-human.

Okay, now I have extra garlic on storage in case of attack by angry mob of Twilighters/sparkly-vampire-wannabes... just in case. :paranoid:
Reply
:iconralfmaximus:
RalfMaximus Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
I'm weak. I'll probably bash her till something worse comes along.
Reply
:iconcihge:
cihge Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2009
Dude... anyone bashing sparkly-vampire-creators is NOT weak. Period.

How the heck can those two words even be in the same sentence?!? Sparkle & Vampire, I mean.
Reply
:iconlucy-merriman:
Lucy-Merriman Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2009  Student General Artist
:D hehehe...
Reply
:iconralfmaximus:
RalfMaximus Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Reply
:iconall-my-darkness:
All-My-Darkness Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2009
Wosa MR rAlf I is Lik teh biggerst fan on twatlight an dat but is yoy mistakan?

Ders no Seen lik dis in Teh moOOviee.

(mayabe in bOOk? I snot rid dit, teach sez meh reeedin age lower dan averahge)


Thanks for the laughs as always Ralf.

6 pages of litary porn ebola for the suckers of ebil. How appropriate.

Sweet jumpin Jesus in a sack race.

Like German cake.

Stollen and now mine!
Reply
:iconralfmaximus:
RalfMaximus Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
I like german chocolate cake.
Reply
:iconall-my-darkness:
All-My-Darkness Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2009
MARZIPAN GOOD
Reply
:iconsuxinn:
Suxinn Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2009  Student Writer
...I honestly couldn't stop laughing for a good ten minutes. xD

But, seriously, Twilight could be resolved in... one page, two tops, if Edward and Jacob just forgot Bella and went gay for each other.

...Man, that sounded so much more serious in my head.
Reply
:iconralfmaximus:
RalfMaximus Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Stephanie Meyer finished speaking, and sat back on the publisher's sofa, breathing heavily, her cheeks flushed, her breathing rapid. The pitch went superbly, she thought, as she awaited feedback. Mentally she crossed her fingers...

"Oh-kayyy," the publisher blew out his cheeks, "so it's a Young Adult gay love triangle, but this Bella's not gay?"

"Oh! Nonono, she's in love with both of them, but she's not gay."

"I dunno. That's maybe two pages maximum. If you could expand the concept to... oh, four books... then we might have something."

Slowly, Stephanie Meyer smiled, a 1000 watt bulb appearing abover her feverish skull...
Reply
:iconspirrus:
Spirrus Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2009
Second to the last line had me coughing up my drink, thanks for the laugh :D
Reply
:iconralfmaximus:
RalfMaximus Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
I am SO gonna make Twilight slash fortune cookies.
Reply
:iconlustydragon:
LustyDragon Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2009
Oh, please, let me wipe the tears of laughter from my eyes. Jolly good!
Reply
:iconralfmaximus:
RalfMaximus Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
It's slash! But it's not! Wheeee!

Yep, I'm goin to hell and taking as many 14 year old girls with me as I can.

wow that sounded completely wrong
Reply
:iconlustydragon:
LustyDragon Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2009
LOL.
Reply
:iconall-my-darkness:
All-My-Darkness Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2009
Its a wrongarama.
Reply
:iconagmeade:
AGMeade Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2009   Writer
...

See that? Those dots up there? Imagine me shaking my head slowly in disappointment.

.. it really is the best we've seen today, though.


:|
Reply
:iconralfmaximus:
RalfMaximus Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Disappointment. In...?

- My inability to stop Meyer bashing?
- The lack of actual vampire/wolf homoerotic text?

Does this mean it's not getting published in Distinct?
Reply
:iconagmeade:
AGMeade Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2009   Writer
- Yes.
- Yes.

- Yes.

:giggle:
Reply
:iconralfmaximus:
RalfMaximus Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Hm. I hate disappointing you.

What can I do to make it up?
Reply
:iconagmeade:
AGMeade Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2009   Writer
I'd love-love-love to see something about Halloween. Involving Cthulhu. And summoning.

In an utterly non-cliche sort of way.
Reply
:iconralfmaximus:
RalfMaximus Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
I was actually contemplating a halloween thing.

And I'm all about the Lovecraft.

Hmmmm.... hokay. :)
Reply
:iconagmeade:
AGMeade Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2009   Writer
Woohoo!
Reply
:iconralfmaximus:
RalfMaximus Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Reply
:iconralfmaximus:
RalfMaximus Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Yes. Woo to the mutherfuckin hoo. I'm pumped. :D
Reply
:iconterraofdarkness:
TerraofDarkness Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2009
I would honestly love to see that story in the paper.
I am a slash fan (yes yes) before I'm a Twilight hater.

So yeah.

BRILLIANT, by the way.
Reply
:iconralfmaximus:
RalfMaximus Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you, thank you.
Reply
:iconarcharad:
ArchArad Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2009
Mrs Muldoon has so been Meyered!

Never stop what you do my friend. I can't stop smiling right now. And I own all the Twilight books...
Reply
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