General Purpose Complaint Form

Dear:

[ ] Sir,
[ ] Madam,
[ ] Bitch of indeterminate gender upon whom my wrath falls like the unseen hand of a vengeful God,

I am a dissatisfied customer.  To wit, I find myself growing steadily more displeased with the:

[ ] product
[ ] services
[ ] sexual relationship
[ ] exotic animal (specify) ______________________
[ ] other (specify) ____________________________

You provided and wish to bring the matter to your attention.  To be blunt, the item in question:

[ ] is dangerously defective.
[ ] was ill-conceived, badly designed, and poorly implemented.
[ ] causes itching, swelling, and open sores.
[ ] has eaten the family pet.

While I am:

[ ] of a reasonable state of mind,
[ ] boiling with ill-contained fury,
[ ] concerned for my health and that of those around me,
[ ] terrified beyond reason,

I am willing to attempt a resolution that does not involve:

[ ] litigation.
[ ] murdering every employee at your business and their families.
[ ] amputation, cauterization, leeches, or blood-letting.
[ ] exposing myself or my family to further wild animal attacks.

Therefore, I demand the following:

[ ] immediate repair and/or replacement of defective merchandise.
[ ] cancellation of my contract and waiver of any ridiculous severance fees.
[ ] discreet medical treatment involving enough penicillin to sterilize a sperm whale.
[ ] a squad of trained animal control specialists with tranquilizer darts.

Your quick response is required in order to avoid (check all that apply):

[ ] litigation.
[ ] acts of terrorism.
[ ] hysterics and public humiliation.
[ ] the discovery of half-eaten human remains.

My previous attempts at a friendly resolution failed.  In fact, contacting anyone at your organization who cares has been difficult because:

[ ] I ran out of minutes waiting on hold.
[ ] nobody speaks my language, nor any human language so far as I can tell.
[ ] your customer support lines forward to a 1-900 sex number.
[ ] I am unable to remain conscious from blood loss.

Therefore, consider this your last chance at a peaceful and satisfying conclusion to this matter.  If I do not hear from you promptly, my next contact will be in the form of:

[ ] a sternly worded letter from my lawyer.
[ ] a visit from government authorities.
[ ] a hit-squad of elite mercenaries carefully selected for bloodthirst and psychosis.
[ ] a large, ravenous carnivore.


Sincerely,

(Your Name): ________________________________________________