To whom it may concern:

Laurie Fleming is a person of sterling character and untarnished reputation for whom I would gladly give a kidney, eyeball, or hair transplant.  There have been many, many times in my life that Ms. Fleming has been there to offer critical bits of advice, which had I chosen to follow, would have made me a better human being.  She assures me, however, that my skin and eyebrows will grow back someday.

Ms. Fleming has some impressive characteristics, some of which I would like to share with you.  First and foremost she is an avid philatelist, or perhaps I mean philantropist.  Whichever is correct, I assure you she has built up an amazing tolerance to the glue on the backs of postage stamps.  If you are considering her for a role in your mailroom or as a lickable-tattoo quality-assurance inspector, I imagine she would be perfect.  

Secondly, Ms. Fleming has an astounding memory, having completely memorized every page of the entire run of TV GUIDE magazine.  She can also, when asked to demonstrate, recite verbatim Robert Goulet's Rules Of Order without stopping to take a breath and/or while sipping from a glass of flaming gasoline.  I urge you to task her with this small demonstration, assuming you can free up your lunch hour and afternoon.  Last but not least, Ms. Fleming possesses a truly excellent physique, one which has earned her acclaim from such fine periodicals as Hustler, The UFO Journal, and the The Christian Science Monitor.  

Have I mentioned her IQ?  Mensa has flatly refused to release actual figures, but rumor has it that her original application was mistaken for the combined IQ of ten normal humans.  She regularly passes polygraph tests (up to three a week) and can move solid objects with sheer force of will.  

Is it possible that perhaps you, gentle To Whom, have never clapped eyes on Ms. Fleming?  If so, you have been deprived of one of the earth's last remaining untarnished pleasures: 7'9" in stature, long silken raven blonde blood-streaked brown white grey hair, brilliant golden teeth all sharpened to points, one green eye, large powerful fists clamped around the shafts of twin Black & Decker chain-saws, piston-like legs, massive webbed feet, a backpack with oxygen and fuel to last 47 days in orbit, two thick tentacles with razor sharp pincers, and an unidentified growth on her back that throbs in perfect 4/4 time and has been known to activate garage-door openers by accident.

Someday, perhaps the Pentagon will declassify her work with the Soviet Union and we'll all learn to move objects with our minds... but until that day, it is her I rely on for my moving and storage needs.  I can say with no small amount of emotion that I would be dead if I did not comply with her every whim.

If you are considering Ms. Fleming for a position with your company, or as a potential student in your university, I can only offer the following advice.

Sincerely,

Ralf M. Maximus