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Editorial DecisionEdward, you LEECH!
Youre a stinking DOG, Jacob!
Then the two fell upon each other, snarling and biting, ripping at each others clothes, then flesh. Jacob was the first to clutch Edwards penis and slide it into his mouth, chomping down. Edward followed suit, grasping Jacobs
I tossed the manuscript on my desk before I tossed my cookies. This was hopeless. This was also the best work Id received yet for the newspaper writing contest. I rubbed my eyes, trying to think up yet another new, polite way to say you so utterly suck.
So? What do you think?
I looked up at the writer responsible for this masterpiece. Mrs. Muldoon was a deacon in our church, and had fallen inexplicably hard for Ms.Meyers vampire wiles. I was as mystified as anyone, I suppose.
Top 10: Cleaned Up QuotationsTop 10: Cleaned Up Quotations
10. Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers never envisioned this insanely fucked up situation in which we find ourselves
Abraham Lincoln, Ghettysburg outtake.
9. Give me a lever long enough and Ill shove it up your ass.
Archimedes, in an argument with Eratosthenes.
8. All we have to fear is fear itself. That and a fuckton of crazed Nazis.
Winston Churchill, being entirely too candid.
7. One small step for [a] man, one AH SHIT!
Neil Armstrong, slipping on the ladder.
6. What does not destroy me, pisses me off.
Fredrich Nietzsche, before kicking some serious ass.
5. All free men, wherever they may live, are citizens of Berlin. And therefore, as a free man, I take pride in the words Ich habe keine Hosen an!
John F. Kennedy, mistakenly announcin
Return to SenderEmily,
I find myself thinking of you again after so many years. I wonder what youve been up to, how things have gone since we parted. Im sorry it didnt end so well Ive thought about that final day together, perfect in sun and water yet so utterly wrong. I meant for it to be a chance to rediscover ourselves, but maybe we learned how wrong we were for each other at that time. But even so, I wonder. What if it was just a bad day?
Of course, I still love you. I never stopped. Ive had other people in my life, but never really moved on. Despite myself I compare and contrast, wondering how Id react if you suddenly showed up on my doorstep.
No, thats not true. I know how Id react. And it scares me a bit.
Anyway, Ill keep this short. Just trying to make contact, and maybe if you can revise history a bit, see that las
Jesus and LazarusJohn 11:1-45
"Yo, Lazarus. Wake up."
The still form of Lazarus, Jesus's closest friend, remained dead on his rock slab. Jesus frowned, hummed to himself, fed a few twigs into the small fire he maintained in the cave.
"I'm not kidding," he intoned. "I command thee: back from the dead. Now!"
Nothing. Jesus sighed. He was new to the miracle business. Mary'd contacted him four days prior or was it six? No matter. A few days ago she'd told him Lazarus had fallen ill.
Wow. This wasn't "ill". This was stone-cold dead. He reached out and felt for a pulse, some trace of warmth. Nothing. He sighed again.
"Father? Help me out here? I kinda promised some folks I'd do this thing. I'm gonna look pretty lame if I don't "
He blew out his cheeks, looked around the cave for something that might lend inspirati
General Purpose Complaint FormGeneral Purpose Complaint Form
[ ] Sir,
[ ] Madam,
[ ] Bitch of indeterminate gender upon whom my wrath falls like the unseen hand of a vengeful God,
I am a dissatisfied customer. To wit, I find myself growing steadily more displeased with the:
[ ] product
[ ] services
[ ] sexual relationship
[ ] exotic animal (specify) ______________________
[ ] other (specify) ____________________________
You provided and wish to bring the matter to your attention. To be blunt, the item in question:
[ ] is dangerously defective.
[ ] was ill-conceived, badly designed, and poorly implemented.
[ ] causes itching, swelling, and open sores.
[ ] has eaten the family pet.
While I am:
[ ] of a reasonable state of mind,
[ ] boiling with ill-contained fury,
[ ] concerned for my health and that of those around me,
[ ] terrified beyond reason,
I am willing to attempt a resolution that does not involve:
[ ] litigation.
[ ] murdering every employee at your business and their fami
Bounty Hunter"This here is an M650. American made. 50 rounds of caseless 7.65 mm, variable real-time rifling."
Snick! He attached a fat lozenge with an oval maw to the barrel.
"Smart grenade launcher. Full targeting suite, but none o'that GPS shit 'cus I don't trust it worth a damn in a firefight."
He held the sleek yet brutal black rifle up for a second, making sure I saw before nodding, laying it on the table with a clunk. How these bounty hunters loved to monologue about their toys.
Snicker-clack! He worked the slide on a really huge handgun.
"Desert Eagle, .50 caliber. Antique, bone stock, owned by me pappy, given t'me on my 16th birthday. I used it ta wing my first dipshit bail-jumper that summer. Oh, an I hand-load my own CDM rounds."
I nodded. Collapsed Dark Matter wasn't something you could buy on eBay. He placed the gun on the table next to the
CAN HAS CONTACT?The Science Advisor burst into the Oval Office. "We decoded their transmission, finally!" He handed over a sheet of printout.
The President donned his reading glasses, glanced down at the text. His features softened before looking up. "So they're friendly?"
"It appears so. Weren't sure for awhile but now SIGINT pegs it at a better than 98% probability they're just asking for permission to land."
"What was all that about cheeseburgers, then? Mistranslation?"
Science laughed maniacally, caught himself. "Not exactly, sir."
National Security spoke up: "We figured it was a code for food. Like, they were making demands."
"No no, nothing like that." His breathing stabilized as he took a deep breath. "It's a sort of greeting. Hudson over at signal intelligence cracked the code. It's LOLCat speak."
The President's eyes widened. "You're kiddi
Black Night Before ChristmasAll through the house, not a creature was stirring,
The mousies were all D-Con'd and gone
When what should I hear: a strange kind of whirring?
From someplace down below on the lawn!
I flew to the window and my eyes did behold
The most curious of curious sights:
A black unmarked helicopter was landing!
Unmarked, I say, and without lights.
Fearing Men In Black, or government goons,
I shuddered with fear, began ransacking the room.
I located my machete and shotgun real quick.
And made for the groundfloor, feeling a bit sick.
I was too late; the door busted in three.
Sounds came from near the old christmas tree!
I heard rummaging and breakage and hideous chuckles
What was it: Agents? Ninjas? Pirate swashbucklers?
And then I saw him, my shotgun forgotten.
A feeling of dread plugging my head like cotton.
Those boots, that suit, and the laser that thaws,
Good god almighty, it was Anti-Claus!
He stomped and he crashed,
He smashed and he threw,
Our presents were tras
Top 10: Predictions for 2010Top 10: Predictions for 2010
10. Sequel to smash-hit 2012 movie begins filming.
9. New DeviantArt "Personal Gropes" feature implemented. Thousands disappointed when it's revealed to be merely a typo of "Groups".
8. Global Warming is confirmed a hoax when giant space heaters are discovered in Antarctica.
7. "USDA American Beef" revealed to be made from recycled homeless people. Sales are unaffected.
6. Reality to be replaced with a cunning simulation, supported by clickable ads.
5. McDonalds releases new Happy Your Ass Up Meal, laced with antidepressants.
4. eBay accidentally auctions cursed relics from Hell, opening a space-time vortex in which Stephanie Meyer is a best-selling author with two movies made from her books.
3. Pirates vs. Ninjas debate settled once and for all when Johnny Depp is cast in Ninja Assassin II: Ninjas of the Caribbean.
2. Dan Brown's latest novel I'm Just Making Shit Up Now remains #1 on the best-seller list fo
Extracts from Dr TiddlywinkExtracts from Dr Tiddlywink's Field Guide to deviantART
Dr Tiddlywink was one of the great pioneers in the study of deviantART as a natural biome. His genius and insight were best revealed in his seminal work, A Field Guide to deviantART. The study of deviantART, or dAdAism, as it is affectionately known, was dealt a tragic blow when Dr Tiddlywink's manuscript fell victim to a vile art thief. It is only due to the actions of many brave deviants that his work was not entirely lost. Without them, this collection would not exist and so we have chosen to dedicate it
To the deviants
* * *
dAmpirism is an acquired disorder found amongst all subspecies of deviants. It rarely impacts deviations, but is often exhibited in the affected deviant's commenting faculty. Infection is almost always via the main page, but statistical studies indicate that deviants who come into contact with, and especially those who comment on, a dAmpire's journal h
1000 Fluffy Labcoat BatsConbat paced bloodily back and forth. Rotten dread filled his heart. Worth should have been home at least an hour ago and it wasn't like him to be late. Oh, my delicious love, Conbat thought. Where could you be?
Just then, the phone rang. It was the police. Worth had been taken hostage by Fluffy Fang, a supervillain who had the city in a state of charming terror. Conbat fainted dead away, like a beautiful unicorn in an iridescent negligee.
When he came to, there was a bump on his wing and the rotten dread had returned. "Worth, my filthy honey bunny," he cried out absurdly. "What is Fluffy Fang doing to you?" Probably torturing him, laughing pervishly as he licked him in the hair.
In the midst of all the terror and tears, Conbat remembered a story his grandmother had told him. If you fold 1000 fluffy labcoat bats, then whatever you wish for will come true.
Conbat ordered in a supply of fluffy labcoats and set to work, folding bats until his wing was sore and he could hardly see. It took
Didn't Mean ItIn retrospect, Hanna Falk Cross was not the most frustrating person Conrad had ever met.
No, that award went with a stunning landslide of insults and creative swearing to Doc Worth in all his terrifying, grime-coated glory. Not to say that Conrad finding people frustrating was out of the norm, per say, but that bastard really did hold a special place in the "this man is a complete asshole" sort of sense. Hanna seemed subconsciously determined to try to beat Worth out sometimes, however.
What made Hanna so frustrating was not the fact that he was a horrible jerk or anything like that. In fact, in comparison to most people, Hanna really was a very kind-hearted individual. It was mostly just the fact that he was annoying, really. Something about that bustling energy of his was frustrating, the fact that in spite of everything that had happened he still seemed so happy. Then there were things like the fact that the redhead had no concept of personal space and tended to ig
WriteRightWrongI saw you last night and you had a folder full of paper and poetry and music and sadness. I sat on your bed while you played classical guitar pieces from you can't remember when you wrote them. I read a few of your poems and smiled and was disgusted inside because I can't write as well as you at all.
You didn't want me to read any more writing because you weren't even ready to read them yourself. But now all I want to do is nest in that pile of you paper, poems, sadness and thoughts from way back when and turn into a piece of paper myself.
Maybe I'll be a poem, one day. You can write me down quickly in pencil on a half torn sheet of paper and I'd be content with that. Then you'd put me in the folder with all your other papers, seasons, sadness and wishes and I could stay with you forever as long as you kept me in that folder.
And maybe one day you'll go through the folder again and come across me. Maybe my words will be worn down to the point where I can't be read and you'll
Makeshift SymphonyHe tied piano strings to his heart,
so that every time it beat
it didn't sound so empty inside.
But the music in his heart
couldnt permeate the hollow air
as the metronome kept time for the clock.
One, two. One, two.
Reedy notes plummeted from his lips as
he made me pluck out Tchaikovsky and Bach
when all I wanted to play was twinkletwinklelittlestar.
"I'm just a little girl."
My fingers tripped and stumbled
and I know that I could never play
as well as he needed me to;
I could never keep his notes
from slipping off the page.
White and black sideswiped my fingers,
as I struck one chord too many.
"I've always wanted to make you proud, papa.
But the past is flightless swans and sometimes
we only get a glimpse of what was there."
He shouldve left the past where it belongs,
because everything was far too black-and-white
in his eyes, and I was never good enough
to replace everything that was missing
in his hollow heart.
The Shoe DiagnosisA couple nights later I went through the same motions. I put my shoes on, having entirely disbanded the whole mental process of figuring out why they were so strangely different and why they were so strangely the same to Worth's shoes. I went to fetch my blood as per usual, but when I came in, repeating my usual mantra in my mind (I will not let Worth's words, actions, phrases, curses, assumptions, and/or sneers affect me tonight. I will not punch him, I will not grow angry and flustered and allow him to catch me and keep me where he wants me.), I realized that I was horrendously tardy. Four hours tardy. I'd slept in quite late and then gotten up and finished one of my more important commissions instead of gone straight over for dinner- breakfast- whatever.
I frowned. Worth wasn't here? Hanna said he was ALWAYS here. Of course, I know that 'always' is a ridiculous sort of adjective to use, but I'd only ever seen Worth leave his office once before, and to think of him as a m
What Fools You Mortals BeAnd then they all got chased by some killer bees.
And then Toni was actually the Giant Hulking Lungfish of Lake Oblongata that was stealing children's brains.
And then Veser became Czar of all of Russia and decreed that everyone should own a pet shark.
And then Conrad flew to the moon and started a colony of immortal chocolate Easter bunnies that would one day take over the world.
And then Hanna and his zombie friend said, "Screw this stupid Victorian Age!" and traveled to the future using a time machine built by Doc Worth which created a tear in the fabric of time and space effectively destroying the universe for all eternity.
And that's why bananas grow on trees.
Experiment BackwardsMarietta could write books about bad books.
It was a pretty bad book, really. She bit her lower lip. The end was the end, too. No.
Was the end the beginning?
The pages were printed backwards, so the beginning was the end. She waved the magnifying glass around. I read about this once.
Roger Goes A Courtin'She comes to every show.
I see her there, in the crowd. Wherever we go to play, she's always there. Her long black hair frames those big, brown, creamy beautiful eyes, and I can't help but stare. They're so captivating and marvelous, those eyes. Eyes that are always staring, always looking at me. Proud, enamored; smitten. She doesn't bop around or sing to the music like the other fans, or hold signs declaring her love for me, but she's the only one I notice regardless. She sits in the very front row, and never takes her eyes off me, and when I look at her she smiles, and I smile back.
I think I love her.
We've never met, or talked, or anything at all like that. Even though she comes to every show and sits in the very front row, she never hangs around long enough for the after party, or to come back stage and meet the band.
I know she knows of my reputation; who doesn't? It's not a secret that I'm the band's biggest whore. Maybe she's afraid of all the other women that'll be there, afra
Top 10: Jesus or SupermanTop 10: Ways of Identifying Jesus or Superman
10. Has returned from the dead more than once, and might possibly do so again.
9. Exploits are followed by millions of avid readers for many years.
8. Subject of painful disagreement and arguments among fans.
7. Does good works without expectation of reward.
6. Maintains a tax-free Fortress of Solitude.
5. Was sent to earth to save us all.
4. Shoots heat-beams from eyes.
3. Primary opponent is evil and prefers underground lair.
2. Native language is not English.
1. Has a superb sense of humor and would never hurt the author of a Top 10 list.
Keep in Touch!
A two-time Community Volunteer for the deviantART Related category, Anne is well-known as a positive, helpful force. She is the community's resident expert when it comes to CSS (Cascading Style Sheets), and her personal gallery offers a wide variety of tutorials for new and experienced coders alike. In addition, each winter she hosts a calendar project encouraging members to create Journal designs for all to use, bringing more creativity to the community.
It is with immense gratitude that we acknowledge Anne as the recipient of the Deviousness Award for October 2014. Read More