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World Domination in 9 Easy Steps!

Thank you for your interest in dominating the world, a dynamic new field filled with rewards and yes, some challenges.  Many people believe world domination is not for them, but surprisingly, once they try it many agree it's fun and engaging.  This handy checklist can help you get started in the exciting new hobby everyone's talking about!

STEP 1: Choose Your Name

A proper name can liquify the bowels of both enemies and friends alike.    
(one check per column, multiple columns allowed):

[ ] Adolf              [ ] Violator             [ ] The Awesome     
[ ] Doctor             [ ] Soul-Destroyer       [ ] The Merciless
[ ] Billy              [ ] Head Basher          [ ] The Horrible  
[ ] Sally              [ ] Smack-U-Silly        [ ] The Not-So-Nice
[ ] Lucifer            [ ] Squiggles            [ ] The Dominator
[ ] Retribution        [ ] Hitler               [ ] The Blackinator     
[ ] Pestilence         [ ] Death-Eater          [ ] The Tender    
[ ] Fluffy             [ ] Poodle-Hair          [ ] Bush          
[ ] George             [ ] Herbert-Walker       [ ] McNuggets
[ ] Saddam             [ ] Hussein              [ ] Blofeld

[ ] No thanks, I already have my name picked out!


Your Bad-Ass Fear-Inducing Name: __________________________________

STEP 2: Choose Your Methods of Conquest

Everyone needs a plan.  Having a backup plan B or three might be wise too...
(check all that apply)

[ ] Destabilize the economy
[ ] Replace world leaders with cunning robot simulacra
[ ] Gain control of the media and brainwash the masses
[ ] Infiltrate the Illuminati
[ ] Raise an army of the undead
[ ] Subvert the world's religions
[ ] Armies of laser-equipped Sharktopus
[ ] Impregnate everyone with clones of yourself
    [ ] Women  [ ] Men  [ ] Horses
[ ] Infect everyone with a hideous disease
[ ] Fuckin blow stuff up

STEP 3: Pay For Your Crimes

Let's face it, world domination is not a cheap hobby.  Please choose at least one method of finance:

[ ] Steal everything in the world and jack up the rent
[ ] Assasinate a billionaire and assume their identity
[ ] Carry a cardboard sign
    [ ] Please Help
    [ ] God Bless
    [ ] Need $$ to dominate the world
[ ] Hold the first-ever global bake sale
[ ] Sell door-to-door cosmetic products
[ ] Knock off a rich relative
[ ] Sell stuff on eBay
    [ ] Lots of small things
    [ ] One big thing for 5 billion USD
[ ] Bank and ATM Heists
[ ] Save my allowance
[ ] Email scam

STEP 4: Name Your Partners in Crime

Doing it yourself can be risky and lonely. There are organizations who can help:

[ ] No thanks, I said the world and I MEANT the world!
[ ] The Guild of Calamitous Intent
[ ] The Injustice League
[ ] Martha Stewart
[ ] S.P.E.C.T.R.E
[ ] SMERSH
[ ] CNN

STEP 5: Choose Your Weakness

Every psychopath has a weakness.  Sad but true.  We won't tell!

[ ] Candy
[ ] Bacon
[ ] Water
[ ] Kryptonite
[ ] Shiny Objects
[ ] Fear of Bears
[ ] Fear of Space Aliens
[ ] Fear of Illegal Aliens
[ ] The love of a good [ ] Man [ ] Woman  [ ] Both/Either
[ ] A small golden idol containing the shriveled remnants of my soul

STEP 6: Choose Your Laugh

There will come a day not so far in the future when billions will cower in fear, awaiting your triumphant cackle of glee.  What will they hear?

[ ] MUHAHAHAHAHHA...!
[ ] Hyuk yuk yuk yup
[ ] Snicker Chortle Guffaw
[ ] Snort
[ ] Just a steely glare, thank you.

STEP 7: Choose Your Final Solution

Goals are important.  What will you do with the world when it is yours?

[ ] Destroy it
[ ] Destroy it and remake it
[ ] Destroy it and remake it then destroy it again, just cus
[ ] Pave it over with asphalt
    [ ] With  [ ] Without painted parking stripes
[ ] Pave it over with concrete
    [ ] With  [ ] Without proper drainage
[ ] Turn it over to Disney for Reimagineering
[ ] Return it to a virgin state untouched by man.  
    [ ] Except for my amazingly well-appointed villa
[ ] What I do with all of my toys: break it

STEP 8: Give Notice

Entirely optional, but many world domination enthusiasts prefer that their victims feel the cold dread of anticipation.  How will anyone know what's coming unless you tell them?  Choose a venue to inform the populace:

[ ] Newspaper ad
[ ] Word of Mouth
[ ] Viral Campaign
    [ ] With  [ ] Without real viruses
[ ] Flashy Television ads
    [ ] Primetime TV
    [ ] Cable TV
    [ ] Food/Shopping Network
    [ ] Children's Programming
[ ] Locked file-cabinet in the basement of the Dept of Public Works.
[ ] Tattooed on the foreheads of major celebrities
    [ ] But not Angelina Jolie cus she's already way over-inked
    [ ] Oh hell, do her too
[ ] Vast flocks of meticulously trained talking parrots, released into the wild
  
STEP 9: You're Done!

Congratulations on completing the checklist!  Many famous world domination enthusiasts started exactly this way, and have all had interesting and sometimes very rewarding experiences as a result.  We hope you enjoy your new hobby and wish you luck.
I welcome my new overlord, whomever you are.

--

EDIT 31 Aug 2009: Spelling of 'Hussein' corrected.

EDIT 27 Feb 2011: It's WORLD domination, not WORD domination. Feh.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconnessfan123:
NessFan123 Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2011
Unlike many, my intentions for world domination are not completely malicious...
Reply
:iconralfmaximus:
RalfMaximus Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
World domination for altruistic purposes works. :)

God knows we need the help...
Reply
:iconnessfan123:
NessFan123 Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2011
Too bad the real world does not care about intentions, just that threats to their way of life are eradicated...
Reply
:iconionsandatrophy:
ionsandatrophy Featured By Owner May 11, 2011
This is fkin' great!

Check out the cartoon I made about World Domination
You might like it :D

[link]
Reply
:iconaustheke:
austheke Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2010   Writer
Not to be annoying, but in the header in the very first line, it says "Word Domination" instead of "World". C:

Man, you're so great. Why are you so clever? Is there some supplement you're taking? In which case I want some.
Reply
:iconralfmaximus:
RalfMaximus Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Ha! I finally fixed this. Only took a year...
Reply
:iconperidot-magelette:
peridot-magelette Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2010
aaahh fantastic!! :lol:
Reply
:icongamecubist48:
Gamecubist48 Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2009
Is that a HHGG reference I see there?
Reply
:iconralfmaximus:
RalfMaximus Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Only if you look for it within a locked file-cabinet in the basement of the Dept of Public Works.

Good eye, mate. ♥
Reply
:icongamecubist48:
Gamecubist48 Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2009
Yeah, I just read it a couple of weeks ago. Great book.
Reply
:iconleyghan:
leyghan Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Thoroughly enjoyed this, she says with a huge-ass grin. May I have your permission to print this out?

BTW, do you have any stats on successful villainessess? Y'know just in case I decide to fill this out.
Reply
:iconralfmaximus:
RalfMaximus Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Please, use however you wish. Share and enjoy. :)

No, no villainess stats. They tend to keep their secrets well.

*shifty gaze*
Reply
:iconerinnic:
erinnic Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2009
Lucifer Squiggles The Awesome congratulates Ralf on his awesomeness and promises to give credit when the world notices Martha Stuart standing outside Wal-Mart with a "need $$$ for world domination" sign.

...and did I miss the evilness jump up a bit?
Reply
:iconralfmaximus:
RalfMaximus Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
mmmaybe?

Hmmm. *taps meter*

muhahahahhahaa...!
Reply
:iconlucy-merriman:
Lucy-Merriman Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2009  Student General Artist
:D I keep printing these things out, hope you don't mind! ^^; I want to be a Super Villain and a Stalker. I think the one lead to the other...
Reply
:iconralfmaximus:
RalfMaximus Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Print as many as you like, darlin. Share and enjoy. ♥
Reply
:iconlucy-merriman:
Lucy-Merriman Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2009  Student General Artist
Thanks!
Reply
:iconangelusnoir:
AngelusNoir Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2009   General Artist
*tssk*..you and your must-read forms....you waste far too much of my time,you evil man?:P
:evillaugh:
*damn*:O..I see Lucifer is already taken....:shakefist:...I'll have to be another DarkAngel...
[but all shall quail before my flying monkeys?:D]
and...impregnating horses??:O
....:tantrum:..why didn't I think of that...?!!*headdesk*...my own centaur army would come in handy when striking fear into the hearts of the great unwashed....?:XD:
Reply
:iconralfmaximus:
RalfMaximus Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Excellent. Now that you are completely under my power, I shall have to brood over how best to leverage your unique skills.

Muhahahahaha!
Reply
:iconsadistic-but-sweet:
Sadistic-but-Sweet Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
*giggles, trying out different variations of villainous names* I rather like Lucifer Smack-U-Silly McNuggets :la:
*runs off to send to her villainous friends*

Now tell me, when will you make a form for the registration of villainous leagues/supergroups/bad-ass-teams-of-awesomeness? My villainous "League of Super Geniuses with Flying Ostriches" can't do anything until a bureaucrat approves!
Reply
:iconralfmaximus:
RalfMaximus Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Lucifer Smack-U-Silly McNuggets. Heh.

I am so calling you that from now on. :D

The hard part, you will quickly discover, is that all the good names are taken. League of Super Geniuses with Flying Ostriches for instance.

Also, Super Genius Flying Ostrish League and Flying Ostrich Super Genius Group, LLC.

And don't get me started on the folks with lemur fixations. Those dudes scare me.
Reply
:iconjoshroks:
joshroks Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2010
I like George Hitler Bush
Reply
:iconncpanthersgurl:
NCPanthersgurl Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2009  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
This is so original. Like everything you do. There's a reason I heart your amazing writing. =D
Reply
:iconralfmaximus:
RalfMaximus Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Reply
:iconncpanthersgurl:
NCPanthersgurl Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2009  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
You might need that. ;p
Reply
:iconterraofdarkness:
TerraofDarkness Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2009
8D Would it be alright if I printed out a couple of copies of this? For future use? Or something?
Reply
:iconralfmaximus:
RalfMaximus Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Of course! Share and enjoy.

If anything amusing comes of it, report back please. :)
Reply
:iconterraofdarkness:
TerraofDarkness Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2009
=) Of course! I start high school in a week and I have a feeling it'll get some interesting reactions if I show it to people.
Reply
:iconsephirothsflamedwing:
SephirothsFlamedWing Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2009  Hobbyist General Artist
Now all my evil plans will succeed! :evillaugh:
But how to get Martha Stewart to cooperate? :plotting:
Reply
:iconralfmaximus:
RalfMaximus Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Dangle a share of teh $profit$ in front of her.

Worked for Target, by gosh.
Reply
:iconsephirothsflamedwing:
SephirothsFlamedWing Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2009  Hobbyist General Artist
:lol: Yeeess, I see now. :evillaugh:
Reply
:icontetemeko:
tetemeko Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2009
I caught the 'horses' Easter egg. ;D
A brilliant guide! I'll keep this near.
Reply
:iconralfmaximus:
RalfMaximus Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Your eyes are sharp.

Perhaps too sharp.

*narrows gaze*
Reply
:iconsuxinn:
Suxinn Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2009  Student Writer
...What if we're afraid of illegal space bear aliens? Do we check all that applies?
Reply
:iconralfmaximus:
RalfMaximus Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Yes! Check them all!

The best/most interesting characters are flawed. The more flaws, the more interesting.

Go for broke.
Reply
:iconhbackslash7:
hbackslash7 Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2009
hell, i'm filling this out. too good to resist :D
Reply
:iconralfmaximus:
RalfMaximus Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Resistance is futile.

A catchy phrase. Maybe you can use it?
Reply
:iconhbackslash7:
hbackslash7 Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2009
i was going to go with 'all your base are belong to us. you are on the way to destruction !!' but that works too.
Reply
:icongleicheniaceae:
Gleicheniaceae Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2011
Should we make our time?
Reply
:icontutifrutti112:
TutiFrutti112 Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
This put a smile on my face. These are always fun to read.
Reply
:iconralfmaximus:
RalfMaximus Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Funner to fill out and enact.

MUHAHAHAHAHA...!
Reply
:iconliquid-etherealism:
liquid-etherealism Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2009   Photographer
:XD: (Hussien is Hussein.) I can't believe you didn't put Disney, Walmart, and AT&T on the list of evil names! Everyone knows the final showdown for the souls of mankind will be between them! Don't you see the signs?!
Reply
:iconralfmaximus:
RalfMaximus Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
> Hussein

I feex. :)

And really, choosing a corporate name for yourself is just asking for lawsuits. Better to lay low until you own the whole shebang then YOU can rename THEM.

Evil American Telephone & Fuckin Telegraph, Inc.

...oh, the possibilities.
Reply
:iconliquid-etherealism:
liquid-etherealism Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2009   Photographer
:XD: What did I tell you?(see latest Disney rumors). Start passing out that flyer--we need more competitors for world domination. I'll get the popcorn.
Reply
:iconkieke-boe:
Kieke-boe Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2009
:lmao: Your stuff always makes my day ^^ (And you even worked some nice political jabs in there, well played, good sir :iconisaydanceplz:)
Reply
:iconralfmaximus:
RalfMaximus Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Political?

*innocent whistling*
Reply
:iconkieke-boe:
Kieke-boe Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2009
:giggle:
Reply
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