Thank you for your interest in dominating the world, a dynamic new field filled with rewards and yes, some challenges. Many people believe world domination is not for them, but surprisingly, once they try it many agree it's fun and engaging. This handy checklist can help you get started in the exciting new hobby everyone's talking about!
STEP 1: Choose Your Name
A proper name can liquify the bowels of both enemies and friends alike.
(one check per column, multiple columns allowed):
[ ] Adolf [ ] Violator [ ] The Awesome
[ ] Doctor [ ] Soul-Destroyer [ ] The Merciless
[ ] Billy [ ] Head Basher [ ] The Horrible
[ ] Sally [ ] Smack-U-Silly [ ] The Not-So-Nice
[ ] Lucifer [ ] Squiggles [ ] The Dominator
[ ] Retribution [ ] Hitler [ ] The Blackinator
[ ] Pestilence [ ] Death-Eater [ ] The Tender
[ ] Fluffy [ ] Poodle-Hair [ ] Bush
[ ] George [ ] Herbert-Walker [ ] McNuggets
[ ] Saddam [ ] Hussein [ ] Blofeld
[ ] No thanks, I already have my name picked out!
Your Bad-Ass Fear-Inducing Name: __________________________________
STEP 2: Choose Your Methods of Conquest
Everyone needs a plan. Having a backup plan B or three might be wise too...
(check all that apply)
[ ] Destabilize the economy
[ ] Replace world leaders with cunning robot simulacra
[ ] Gain control of the media and brainwash the masses
[ ] Infiltrate the Illuminati
[ ] Raise an army of the undead
[ ] Subvert the world's religions
[ ] Armies of laser-equipped Sharktopus
[ ] Impregnate everyone with clones of yourself
[ ] Women [ ] Men [ ] Horses
[ ] Infect everyone with a hideous disease
[ ] Fuckin blow stuff up
STEP 3: Pay For Your Crimes
Let's face it, world domination is not a cheap hobby. Please choose at least one method of finance:
[ ] Steal everything in the world and jack up the rent
[ ] Assasinate a billionaire and assume their identity
[ ] Carry a cardboard sign
[ ] Please Help
[ ] God Bless
[ ] Need $$ to dominate the world
[ ] Hold the first-ever global bake sale
[ ] Sell door-to-door cosmetic products
[ ] Knock off a rich relative
[ ] Sell stuff on eBay
[ ] Lots of small things
[ ] One big thing for 5 billion USD
[ ] Bank and ATM Heists
[ ] Save my allowance
[ ] Email scam
STEP 4: Name Your Partners in Crime
Doing it yourself can be risky and lonely. There are organizations who can help:
[ ] No thanks, I said the world and I MEANT the world!
[ ] The Guild of Calamitous Intent
[ ] The Injustice League
[ ] Martha Stewart
[ ] S.P.E.C.T.R.E
[ ] SMERSH
[ ] CNN
STEP 5: Choose Your Weakness
Every psychopath has a weakness. Sad but true. We won't tell!
[ ] Candy
[ ] Bacon
[ ] Water
[ ] Kryptonite
[ ] Shiny Objects
[ ] Fear of Bears
[ ] Fear of Space Aliens
[ ] Fear of Illegal Aliens
[ ] The love of a good [ ] Man [ ] Woman [ ] Both/Either
[ ] A small golden idol containing the shriveled remnants of my soul
STEP 6: Choose Your Laugh
There will come a day not so far in the future when billions will cower in fear, awaiting your triumphant cackle of glee. What will they hear?
[ ] MUHAHAHAHAHHA...!
[ ] Hyuk yuk yuk yup
[ ] Snicker Chortle Guffaw
[ ] Snort
[ ] Just a steely glare, thank you.
STEP 7: Choose Your Final Solution
Goals are important. What will you do with the world when it is yours?
[ ] Destroy it
[ ] Destroy it and remake it
[ ] Destroy it and remake it then destroy it again, just cus
[ ] Pave it over with asphalt
[ ] With [ ] Without painted parking stripes
[ ] Pave it over with concrete
[ ] With [ ] Without proper drainage
[ ] Turn it over to Disney for Reimagineering
[ ] Return it to a virgin state untouched by man.
[ ] Except for my amazingly well-appointed villa
[ ] What I do with all of my toys: break it
STEP 8: Give Notice
Entirely optional, but many world domination enthusiasts prefer that their victims feel the cold dread of anticipation. How will anyone know what's coming unless you tell them? Choose a venue to inform the populace:
[ ] Newspaper ad
[ ] Word of Mouth
[ ] Viral Campaign
[ ] With [ ] Without real viruses
[ ] Flashy Television ads
[ ] Primetime TV
[ ] Cable TV
[ ] Food/Shopping Network
[ ] Children's Programming
[ ] Locked file-cabinet in the basement of the Dept of Public Works.
[ ] Tattooed on the foreheads of major celebrities
[ ] But not Angelina Jolie cus she's already way over-inked
[ ] Oh hell, do her too
[ ] Vast flocks of meticulously trained talking parrots, released into the wild
STEP 9: You're Done!
Congratulations on completing the checklist! Many famous world domination enthusiasts started exactly this way, and have all had interesting and sometimes very rewarding experiences as a result. We hope you enjoy your new hobby and wish you luck.